The family: “a school for forgiveness”

Recently Pope Francis dubbed the family “a school for forgiveness”; if that is the case, then the special Year of Mercy which we are now living in the Church should be particularly relevant for families. Perhaps we don’t often associate mercy with life in the home and so here we are going to look at five key ideas from Pope Francis on the importance of forgiveness in the family setting.

I. God’s plan for family as a place of forgiveness

You might not have realised it, but much of the Old Testament is a story of romance; throughout scripture we find, in the words of Pope Francis, ‘a true love story’ which portrays God as a jilted lover and Israel as his straying spouse. But the important thing for us is that God does not give up on his unfaithful wife: again and again he forgives her and tries to woo her back. This is the way Pope Francis puts it:

Here is a true love story, in which God plays the role of the betrayed father and husband, while Israel plays the unfaithful child and bride. These domestic images – as in the case of Hosea (cf. Hos 1-2) – show to what extent God wishes to bind himself to his people (Pope Francis, Message for Lent, 2016).

Another love story is to be found in the pages of the Gospel. This time Jesus is the bridegroom, and the Church is his bride. Again in the words of Pope Francis:

As the Son of God, he is the Bridegroom who does everything to win over the love of his bride, to whom he is bound by an unconditional love which becomes visible in the eternal wedding feast…. In Jesus crucified, God shows his desire to draw near to sinners, however far they may have strayed from him. In this way he hopes to soften the hardened heart of his Bride (Pope Francis, Message for Lent, 2016).

So in the portrayal of the marriage between God and Israel, or Christ and the Church, the element of forgiveness is not absent, as if God is teaching us that there can be no marriage where there is no forgiveness.

Finally, there is one more expression of the close connection between family and mercy in Sacred Scripture, and this time it is to be found in the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the Church of which she is a perfect image or icon. Both the Church and Mary have mercy at their core: “in their wombs” we might say. In Hebrew there is a connection between the word for “womb” and the word for “mercy” as Pope Francis explains:

The Virgin of Nazareth, betrothed to Joseph, thus becomes the perfect icon of the Church which evangelizes, for she was, and continues to be, evangelized by the Holy Spirit, who made her virginal womb fruitful. In the prophetic tradition, mercy is strictly related – even on the etymological level – to the maternal womb (rahamim) and to a generous, faithful and compassionate goodness (hesed) shown within marriage and family relationships (Pope Francis, Message for Lent, 2016).

II. Family love is stable love

The foundation for the family as “a school for forgiveness” is the fact that the love lived out in a family is unconditional love; as a result it is always ready to forgive. This contrasts dramatically with the predominant way of relating that we see in the consumer society around us. In a consumer society relationships are governed by self-seeking, not self-giving, and so they are judged according to their usefulness for me. Where a consumer good – and this may be human person, and even a spouse – is no longer useful for me it is disposed of. This makes for a society founded on merciless acquisition and disposal. The love found in marriage and family relationships are profoundly deeper. In the words of Pope Francis:

Dear engaged couples, you are preparing to grow together, to build this home, to live together forever. You do not want to found it on the sand of sentiments, which come and go, but on the rock of true love, the love that comes from God. The family is born from this plan of love, it wants to grow just as a home is built, as a place of affection, of help, of hope, of support. As the love of God is stable and forever, so too should we want the love on which a family is based to be stable and forever. Please, we mustn’t let ourselves be overcome by the “culture of the provisory”! Today this culture invades us all, this culture of the temporary. This is not right! (Pope Francis, ADDRESS of THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS TO COUPLES PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE, St. Peter’s Square, Friday, February 14, 2014).

III. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry”

On a very practical note, Pope Francis encourages married couples to seek forgiveness from their spouses whenever necessary, otherwise there will be no peace in the family:

One cannot live without seeking forgiveness, or at least, one cannot live at peace, especially in the family. We wrong one another every day. We must take into account these mistakes, due to our frailty and our selfishness. However, what we are asked to do is to promptly heal the wounds that we cause, to immediately reweave the bonds that break within the family (Pope Francis, GENERAL AUDIENCE, Wednesday, 4 November 2015).

The Pope points out the fact we all make mistakes, and perhaps we do so everyday of our lives. As a result we must be ready to apologise. In his words:

In general each of us is ready to accuse the other and to justify ourselves. This began with our father Adam, when God asks him: “Adam, have you eaten of the fruit?”. “Me? No! It was her, she gave it to me!”. Accusing the other to avoid saying “I’m sorry”, “Forgive me”. It’s an old story! It is an instinct that stands at the origin of so many disasters. Let us learn to acknowledge our mistakes and to ask for forgiveness. “Forgive me if today I raised my voice”; “I’m sorry if I passed without greeting you”; “Excuse me if I was late”, “If this week I was very silent”, “If I spoke too much without ever listening”; “Excuse me if I forgot”; “I’m sorry I was angry and I took it out on you”…. We can say many “I’m sorry”s every day. In this way, too, a Christian family grows. We all know that the perfect family does not exist, nor a perfect husband or wife … we won’t even speak about a perfect mother-in-law (Pope Francis, ADDRESS of THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS TO COUPLES PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE, St. Peter’s Square, Friday, February 14, 2014).

IV. Never let the sun go down without making peace

Pope Francis encourages couples to never let a day end without having made up for an argument they may have had. He acknowledges that there will be arguments and disputes but advises that a married couple should make up as soon as possible, ideally that very day, otherwise a freeze will set in and affect their relationship:

Jesus, who knows us well, teaches us a secret: don’t let a day end without asking forgiveness, without peace returning to our home, to our family. It is normal for husband and wife to quarrel, but there is always something, we had quarreled…. Perhaps you were mad, perhaps plates flew, but please remember this: never let the sun go down without making peace! Never, never, never! This is a secret, a secret for maintaining love and making peace. Pretty words are not necessary…. Sometimes just a simple gesture and … peace is made. Never let a day end … for if you let the day end without making peace, the next day what is inside of you is cold and hardened and it is even more difficult to make peace. Remember: never let the sun go down without making peace! If we learn to say sorry and ask one another for forgiveness, the marriage will last and move forward. When elderly couples, celebrating fifty years together, come to audiences or Mass here at Santa Marta I ask them: “Who supported whom?” This is beautiful! Everyone looks at each other, they look at me and say: “Both!” And this is beautiful! This is a beautiful witness! (Pope Francis, ADDRESS of THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS TO COUPLES PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE, St. Peter’s Square, Friday, February 14, 2014).

The Pope points out that fixing broken fences heals wounds quickly, but also makes a marriage grow stronger. Furthermore it is not so hard to make up, a little gesture is often enough to put an end to an argument:

If we wait too long, everything becomes more difficult. There is a simple secret to healing wounds and to avoiding recriminations. It is this: do not let the day end without apologizing, without making peace between husband and wife, between parents and children, between brothers and sisters … between daughters – and mothers-in-law! If we learn to apologize promptly and to give each other mutual forgiveness, the wounds heal, the marriage grows stronger, and the family becomes an increasingly stronger home, which withstands the shocks of our smaller or greater misdeeds. This is why there is no need for a long speech, as a caress is enough: one caress and everything is over and one can start afresh. But do not end the day at war! (Pope Francis, GENERAL AUDIENCE, Wednesday, 4 November 2015).